" 2 Am and i'm still awake writing this song, if i get it all down on paper it's no longer in side of me, threatening the life it belongs too. And i feel like i'm naked in front of a crowd, these words are my diary screaming out loud and i know that you'll use them however you want too..."
As you can see I have decided to vamp up my blog a bit! And that's not the only thing im changing. Now January is coming to an end, people's new years resolutions are starting to slip, exams are done, work begins and general life is back to normal I've kind of realised that I need to change some things. I keep talking about how everyone should live there life and live for today but it's never really quite that simple. I was watching 500 days of summer today (which sprouted from my new love of New Girl, if you have not seen it and you can access 4OD, check it out!) and a line in it said something along the lines of "Most of our days have little impact on our life and will not be remembered." That's quite scary really, and true. Most of what I do today I wont even remember tomorrow. We don't have the brain capacity to remember everything we do, so how can life really be so.... great all the time? Because honestly, it's not. Have you ever seen a movie where they all lived there life to the full all the time? No, because it would be boring. Have you ever seen a stereotypical rock star living the dream and not have to wake up in the morning with a hangover? No, because all good things come at a price. I sometimes have days where I think everything's the worst and I'm failing and nothing is right. But everything is okay, i'm just having a bad day. I think I put so much emphasis on living my life, trying not to miss out on anything and not enough in letting myself be okay when i'm down, making sure i'm truly happy doing things and not forcing myself to do things in fear of missing out. I need to stay true to me. Don't get me wrong, it is very important to live your life but still... I need the days that don't count so that for the days they do i'm truly happy.
I'm happy. I am a happy person. I'm just not happy right at this moment. I'm not me. I'm to scared to be me and live my life how I want to. It's scary how some situations you just can't control. You don't even have that much of an input. It's scary how surrounded by people you can be but still feel so alone. It's scary when you don't know what people are really thinking. It's terrifying how quickly days tic past. How young people grow up so quickly. How life changes. How little we know. How much we know.
I guess you just have to say life is scary. You can't control situations and you will always say what if. We all just have to run openly into everything even if it means getting hurt and just live with the life fate has dealt us. Because honestly, I could be divorced with 3 children and have barely enough money to make ends meet and be happier than a married couple with a family and millions in the bank.
Hugging tightly; whispers in ears of goodbyes. Truthful tears followed by lost promise's of contact. One last time, a private joke is shared. Encouragement of following dreams is exchanged. One last wave. One last look. And then you watch them fade out of sight. Watch them embark on there new life. Chasing the life there meant to lead.
Goodbye's are hard. It's a reminder that nothing stays the same; everything changes. No-one is going to be here for ever. It's a reminder that ultimately it's your life and your on your own.
Today I had to say goodbye to two people who I only knew for a short period of time, but they made me laugh. They shared interests. They were there in times of need and most of all they inspired me.
Sometimes I think life would be so much easier if we never had feeling. If we never felt pain and distress. If we never had these sad feelings inside of us that we don't understand. If life wasn't sometimes so cruel and heartbreaking for so many reasons. But then, how can you be truly happy with out experiencing the bad moments. How could we appreciate the good?
It's day like today that you feel so lost and you don't understand. You change your decision every day because you're so scared of making the wrong one.
"You live as if you're never going to die; And so die never having lived"
Life is hard. Every day you have a million reasons to cry and give up. But every second brings millions of reasons to keep trying and carry on. Do you really want to look back on your life and say "I'm happy because I have everything I want. I worry about loosing it and wonder what life would have been like if I had done it differently?" Or would you rather say "Everything that went wrong made me appreciate everything that went right. At least I did what I wanted when I wanted and took chances. I'm happy because I want everything I have." Everyone wants to live, yet most of us are just alive....
Goodbyes are hard. But it happens. It's okay not to be okay, but then you gotta pick yourself back up, carry on and wish the best for them.
"There are 86,400 seconds in every day... Tik Tok"
Dedicated to Z & A. - Keep safe and keep on living the dream. I know you will both accomplish great things. Thank you for everything. I miss you already <3
I just watched the film Armageddon. It's just such a great a film but no matter how many times I watch it I always end up shedding a small tear. Always. It just gets to me. The love between Aj and Grace. How he wants to spend his last day on earth with her. How he holds her and kisses her just before he leaves and how he runs to her when he finally comes back. They way he looks at her. And the moment when Harry says goodbye to Grace. It reminds me of me and my dad. We're not the closest in the world but we don't have to be. I always remember when I told him I got through a singing competition and he looked so proud of me, but he was then told he had to work. He went in early, had no lunch brake and worked twice as hard and raced straight from work to the competition just to see me. I love my dad so much. I am so much of him and I am proud to be like him. I am proud to be like my mum too. She is so kind hearted and amazing. She always used to stay up late helping me with school projects even though she had to up early and if I had a bad day at school she would know how to cheer me up.
Your caregivers are so important. I hope I can give to my future children everything my parents gave to me. I hope I can have the love that Aj and Grace have for each other. I hope I can learn to cherish everything while I still have it.
Life is just so sad when you really think about it.
" I never said life would be easy, I said it would be worth it."
So right now i'm looking for answers. About anything and everything. About life and about love. Answers i'm not sure I will ever find. I think i'm in love but I honestly never wanted to be so in love at such a young age, especially not one that is so mature and so intense. But then I think what it would be like in an immature relationship and I think I would hate it or one that wasn't intense, I want to be able to feel. So why am I confused? I guess i'm a girl who can admit I always look at what I don't have instead of what I do have. I'm never going to enjoy life if I keep on living life like that. Ever. I know it too. It makes me want whatever I don't have even though deep down I don't think I would enjoy it anyway. But I always think, what if it was better? I'm just waiting for the day when I realise what I thought I never wanted was what I wanted all along. For the day I can appreciate things for what they are and not concentrate on what's not there So I can be the good person my friends and family deserve. So I can be the person the love of my life deserves. Because he deserves so much more then I have given him so far. Yes he made a mistake that made me upset, but everyone makes mistakes. I know I have.
Everything takes time. The sad thing is that we don't have a lot of it.
