Our favourite t.v shows, our very own life.

So, for those of you who don't know I completely addicted to a show called Grey Anatomy (It's brilliant, if you don't watch it you should start!!). But anyway, I haven't caught up on the latest series yet and to my complete joy last night an episode was on t.v!! (i'm so sad!). So I watched it thinking that It wouldn't be that bad to re-watch an old episode and if it was a newer one then i'd be able to catch up. Oh how wrong was I. It was a fairly newish episode and even though I enjoyed watching it and understood it all... it was just....(i apologize but this is the only way I can explain it) Whhhhhaaaaaaaattttttttttttttttt? I couldn't stop thinking "When the hell did that happen?" or "Who is that and when did she come into the show?" and just generally "whhhhaaaaaaattttt?". And I kind of realised this is exactly like real life. When we have been somewhere for so long and start to know how it works, all the gossip, who's with who, what's happening and everything and  then choose to leave it all, we instantly come out of the loop and the lose the comfort and familiarity of our old life. And if you have ever been in this position you know that when you come back to your old life you find yourself asking questions like "When the hell did that happen?" or "Who is that and when did she come into town?" or just generally "Wwwaaaaaahhhhhhttttttt?". Your just too busy enjoying your new life to realise that the world still goes around!

When anger turns to sadness

When anger turns to sadness. When hours turn to memories. When days turn to weeks and nothing seems okay.

There comes a moment in everyone's life when you are so angry and you just can't contain the anger inside you. Then suddenly, out of the blue the anger in you suddenly turns to sadness and hurt and your guard comes down and tears begin to fall and... well there you have it. Your sad.

So people tell me....

Great song, Just sayin...

The looking glass, so shiny and new
How quickly the glamour fades
I start spinning, slipping out of time
Was that the wrong pill to take? (Raise it up)

You made a deal, and now it seems you have to offer up
But will it ever be enough? (Raise it up, raise it up)
It's not enough (Raise it up, raise it up)

Here I am, a rabbit hearted girl
Frozen in the headlights
It seems I've made the final sacrifice

We raise it up, this offering
We raise it up

This is a gift, it comes with a price
Who is the lamb and who is the knife?
Midas is king and he holds me so tight
And turns me to gold in the sunlight

I look around, but I can't find you (raise it up)
If only I could see your face (raise it up)
Instead of rushing towards the skyline (raise it up)
I wish that I could just be brave

I must become a lion hearted girl
Ready for a fight
Before I make the final sacrifice

We raise it up, this offering
We raise it up

This is a gift, it comes with a price
Who is the lamb and who is the knife?
Midas is king and he holds me so tight
And turns me to gold in the sunlight

Raise it up, raise it up
Raise it up, raise it up

And in the spring I shed my skin
And it blows away with the changing wind
The waters turn from blue to red
As towards the sky I offer it

This is a gift, it comes with a price
Who is the lamb and who is the knife?
Midas is king and he holds me so tight
And turns me to gold in the sunlight

This is a gift, it comes with a price
Who is the lamb and who is the knife?
Midas is king and he holds me so tight
And turns me to gold in the sunlight

This is a gift, it comes with a price
Who is the lamb and who is the knife?
Midas is king and he holds me so tight
And turns me to gold in the sunlight

This is a gift

Trying to forgive, but I can't forget

It's not like i'm holding anything against you, I don't want it to be apart of my life as much as you do. It's just when someone hurts you, it's hard to forget. And when it seems like it's getting back there, when it seems nothings changed and it's happenings again, it's makes you remember. And like I said, I wish I could let go. I'm not this person. I'm not a angry person, or a hateful person. I'm not the person who wants to know where you are 24/7 or the person who judges people. I'm NOT this person.

I do however hate it when people think my life is easy or dare I say perfect. Just because I wear a smile on my face and make the most of my opportunities doesn't mean my life is easy. I've just had a lot of practise not to let things gets you down and to keep going. I've had a lot of practice to let things go and move on. But sometimes it's hard.

Every second counts

Someone, a totally random friend, who I hadn't spoke to for seven years, randomly ended up going to the same college/uni as me. We randomly decided to meet a couple of days ago, on a spur of a moment thing and had great fun. Today for a totally random reason, out of context to anything important, just out of the blue in a totally bog standard normal conversation via text message we were having after he randomly decided to text me asking how my evening was, he said

"every second counts" 

Randomly at the same time, I was watching a program I randomly started to watch, at that exact time, after given the box set by my flatmate 2 weeks ago, randomly on the exact episode where a young girl in this certain series would have died had they waited 20 seconds longer to operate.


And people acutally wonder if things happen for a reason....

Who we are

Every time I write on here it's because i've discovered something about myself or the world around me. Well today I guess that's the same, exsept what i've realised is that none of it matters. I'm smart and funny, but i'm also dumb and stupid. I'm loud and energetic, i'm also quiet and reserved. I'm anything I can be at one possible moment. Moments make me, what I do defines me. I make mistakes, no matter how hard I try I can never please everyone and sometimes what I say and do will upset people. It will also make people smile. One moment isn't who you are because people don't know the back story. People judge, but the more you worry about the more it'll come true.

Truth is, I label myself and punish myself more than anyone else does. Until you love who you are things won't get better.

We worry things will happen... and then they do. And we only have ourselves to blame which makes it soo much worse.

The reason I write about it all? Because I'm not alone.

If you haven't heard this song, get on it now.....

You got a fast car

And I want a ticket to go anywhere

Maybe we make a deal

Maybe together we can get somewhere

Anyplace is better

Starting from zero got nothing to lose

Maybe we'll make something

But me myself I got nothing to prove

You got a fast car

And I got a plan to get us out of here

I been working at the convenience store

Managed to save just a little bit of money

We won't have to drive too far

Just 'cross the border and into the city

You and I can both get jobs

And finally see what it means to be living

You see my old man's got a problem

He live with the bottle that's the way it is

He says his body's too old for working

I say his body's too young to look like his

My mama went off and left him

She wanted more from life than he could give

I said somebody's got to take care of him

So I quit school and that's what I did

You got a fast car

But is it fast enough so we can fly away

We gotta make a decision

We leave tonight or live and die this way

I remember we were driving driving in your car

The speed so fast I felt like I was drunk

City lights lay out before us

And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder

And I had a feeling that I belonged

And I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone

You got a fast car

And we go cruising to entertain ourselves

You still ain't got a job

And I work in a market as a checkout girl

I know things will get better

You'll find work and I'll get promoted

We'll move out of the shelter

Buy a big house and live in the suburbs

You got a fast car

And I got a job that pays all our bills

You stay out drinking late at the bar

See more of your friends than you do of your kids

I'd always hoped for better

Thought maybe together you and me would find it

I got no plans I ain't going nowhere

So take your fast car and keep on driving

You got a fast car

But is it fast enough so you can fly away

You gotta make a decision

You leave tonight or live and die this way 

Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow.

Yesterday was hard.

Today isn't easier.

Tomorrow wont be better.

But somehow things will change.

My Yesterdays will improve

My Today's will be good

And my Tomorrows will be exciting.

But the most important things I know is that

Yesterdays are memories

Today's aren't guaranteed

And tomorrows are never certain.

Time.

One day when your older, when you've had a career, maybe got married or possibly had children; one day when you have a life you have created for yourself  and you'll be going about your ordinary life. Maybe you'll be picking the kids up from school, driving the car to work, shopping for new clothes or maybe cooking dinner you'll look around and realise just what you have. You'll look up and think about your past and everything has happened and how you "never could have believed what has happened" in your life. Then you'll get that feeling deep down inside where your heartaches and you'll realise that one day your going to die.

One day you'll realise that you can't take your earrings, your phone, or your clothing; your laptop, your car or your any possession with you. You can't take all the money in the world with you or anything we work so hard in the world to get. All you can take with you is the memories you have created, the love you have made and the enjoyment you've had. When you realise that you've only got so much time left. If I tell you you were going to die in the next 10 years, I wonder how that would change your life? What I were to say you were going to die in 48? How would you spend your time? What would you dare do?

Everyone's going to have bad days but try your hardest to make them the best they can possibly be. Time is running out.

Tick Tok

Don't be that person

I want to say that one day in your life you will get that moment when you look outside your window, at your coffee mug or maybe as you lay in bed at night... when you realise what life really is. When you wonder how long you have to be unhappy until you've finalised reach that moment of happiness. When you wonder why your here and if it's worth it.

I want to say you'll only get one of these moments in your life, but truth is you'll get loads of them. Some people more than others and the lucky one's who get it less than others. If you haven't already realised it, then one day you will know that promises are broken and secrets are told. Friends lose interest and people stop trying. People judge before they know and lie while looking directly in your eye. Nothings forever and forever means nothing. Everyone smiles but only few are happy. The more you shut people out, the lonelier you are; but the more you let people in, the more you get hurt. In the journey of finding yourself you loose yourself in the mist of it all and much too often forgotten is what's really important in life. You'll be walked over, used, hated, loved, admired, envied and you'll never even know. You try to hard with people who aren't worth your time when you should be putting it with people who are. People say what they want you to hear and not how they feel. Everyone's looking for something but no one finds anything. Your on your own when you were born into this world and you'll be on your own when you leave. No-one is responsible for you happiness but you and one day you'll realise that you don't have to live the path everyone expects you too. People come in and out of your life far too often. You'll over think, you'll change and grow, things will change and never be like before. Memories are precious but seconds wasted are more. We get hurt to easy and feel to much.

Today there is no message to send you my dear readers, no fight and nothing left to tell you to go fourth and live your life. I feel weak and tired and I wonder how long it'll be before I acutally take my own advice. 

All I want to tell you about is the people who kill all of the caterpillars; and then complain there are no butterflies... don't be that person. 

Love song

Head under water

And they tell me to breathe easy for a while

The breathing gets harder, even I know that

Made room for me but it's too soon to see

If I'm happy in your hands

I'm unusually hard to hold on to

Blank stares at blank pages

No easy way to say this

You mean well, but you make this hard on me

I'm not gonna write you a love song

'cause you asked for it

'cause you need one, you see

I'm not gonna write you a love song

'cause you tell me it's

Make or break in this

If you're on your way

I'm not gonna write you to stay

If all you have is leaving I'm gonna need a better

Reason to write you a love song today

I learned the hard way

That they all say things you want to hear

And my heavy heart sinks deep down under you and

Your twisted words,

Your help just hurts

You are not what I thought you were

Hello to high and dry

Convinced me to please you

Made me think that I need this too

I'm trying to let you hear me as I am

I'm not gonna write you a love song

'cause you asked for it

'cause you need one, you see

I'm not gonna write you a love song

'cause you tell me it's

Make or break in this

If you're on your way

I'm not gonna write you to stay

If all you have is leaving I'm gonna need a better

Reason to write you a love song today

Promise me that you'll leave the light on

To help me see with daylight, my guide, gone

'cause I believe there's a way you can love me

Because I say

I won't write you a love song

'cause you asked for it

'cause you need one, you see

I'm not gonna write you a love song

'cause you tell me it's make or break in this

Is that why you wanted a love song

'cause you asked for it

'cause you need one, you see

I'm not gonna write you a love song

'cause you tell me it's make or break in this

If you're on your way

I'm not gonna write you to stay

If your heart is nowhere in it

I don't want it for a minute

Babe, I'll walk the seven seas when I believe that

There's a reason to

Write you a love song today

I would say this was a new start...but in reality it's just a new day...

"One day you'll wake up and realise you do not have to live your life the way you have been told to" 

We're not alone

I just read this from a blog I found on stumble upon. It pretty much touched my heart and describes how I feel...So here it is for all of you to share:

Has your boyfriend been your first love? And the one you want to spend the rest of your life with? Are you not worried about not being with anyone else? Or later regretting that you didn't date more when you were at uni?Anonymous

Dear anon,
Yeah he is my first love, I had crushes and stuff before him but I’ve never loved anyone like I love him. & yeah i’m pretty sure that he’s the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. To answer your question I’m not worried at all that I’ve not been with anyone else & I don’t regret not dating more at uni. I know that he loves me, he looks after and he treats amazingly and has been with me through a lot and I know that I can trust him with my life. I just feel that it’s right between us, I can’t explain the feeling I just know that I don’t want to be with anyone else, when you love someone this much you’ll understand what I mean I’m sure :) Why would I throw all of that away just to have a fling or try it out with someone else. I already have everything I could ever want and more I’d be an absolute idiot to throw that away. People date to try and find that one person they want to spend the rest of their life with. Well I’ve found him, he makes me so happy and I couldn’t imagine anything different - so I don’t regret a thing :) I don’t really believe that anyone should have regrets, just do what makes you happy at the time and hope that it works out for the best- that’s all you can do really :)

Answers

Realising not one person has all the answers. Knowing that your both human and that for this spilt second you are perfect for each other... you just didn't talk enough... you just still don't know each other quite enough... and that scares you because you can never really know someone. This is not a bad thing you just shouldn't let the fear of the unknown keep hurting you... you should realise what you do have and just go for it.

Truth is we hurt ourselves more than anyone else can hurt us with our own thoughts.

Skinny love

So things are starting to look up for me know. I feel like my dark days aren't so dark anymore. I feel like things are different to how they were before. I feel like I've changed. I feel like i'm starting a new life... a life I acutally started 6 months ago, but how i'm fully throwing myself in and really starting to appreciate things.

I used to look at what I would of had and didn't have. Now i'm only really looking at what I do have and i've not been this happy in a while :)

It's honestly the best thing. Like Birdy, her voice is amazing. I can not express how much I love this singer... It's songs like this which give me faith in humanity and life.

Quick fix.

That moment when you realise everything you thought would fix life and make you instantly happy, doesn't acutally make you happy. There's no quick fix to the pain you feel in side. No matter how much love you get given, no matter how much you accomplish in life, nothing will take away the wonder about why were acutally here. Nothing will stop your inner thoughts and worst demons other than YOU.

That's our problem, we think things will fix us and when they don't we give up.

Inner strength is all you need.

The rest is just a bonus

I wished and so she gave.

I have wished for strength - So the universe gave me complication. 

I then wished for simplicity - So the universe made me poor.

I wished for true love - So the universe gave me music.

I wished for perfect romance - So the universe gave me films.

I wished for happiness - So the universe sat back and watched. Listened. And waited for me to realise that it's the small things that make you happy in life. The things that no-one can just give you. It's the things you earn. 

I wished I knew what to do - So the universe inspired me. 

Just, Something to think about. 

Yesterday I realised that things don't just change. Things will never get better unless you do something about it.

Today I put that into action.

In to the wild

Yesterday I was having a pretty low day, I can admit that quite openly acutally. Everything that was going right just seemed to be going wrong. It was one of those moments where it wasn't like everything HAD gone wrong, I was just seeing everything wrong. Everything annoyed me. Everything was there. Everything was.... wrong.  I confided in a friend of mine who I had met recently but he has soon become a very close friend of mine, about how I didn't know what was worth the fight anymore and what wasn't. I didn't know what I wanted. If I should leave education or if I should carry on down this path.
If I should go for it, close my eyes and never look back or if I should realise that i'm only going to get hurt and move on.

And he told me to watch "Into the wild"

It's a real life story based on a young man who decided to leave his life of luxury and divulge into the life of the wild. To travel, to live and to eat as our ancestors did. To leave "our world", which has bound us by social construct and a judging society and live the simple life. To find truth. To find one's self. To find freedom.

I shant spoil the film so if you haven't seen you should click on your iTunes and get it now! Or get down to your local book store and see if they have a copy of the book in there. It will change your view on life. Have you ever done something because everyone else has done it? Because, even without your own questioning of it, it's just the "right" thing to do. Like go to university, go out clubbing, laugh at a joke that isn't funny because everyone else is doing it. This film reminded me of a quote I heard that went something like "Once in a while it hits people that they do not have to experience the world they have been taught to".

We don't need money
We don't need a lot of belongings
We don't need a big career
We don't need a perfect family
We don't need millions of friends
We don't need to follow the "norm"
We don't need to follow advice
We don't need to date as many people as possible to find the one
We don't need to be in love
We don't need sex

We don't need anything but good health, good will and a few special people to share it with. So next time you do something I dare you to think about the reasons your doing it and if it will fulfil your life in the way you want it too or if your doing it because society has told you this is how people like us live.

There are no people like us

There's only one person like you.


Just something to think about

Memoires

He was the congregation's vagrant,
With an unrequited love.
When your passion's exaltation,
Then finding refuge is not enough.
She was the youngest of the family
And the last to be let go.
When they decided they would try to make it on their own.

Oh Memories!
Where'd you go?
You were all I've ever known!
How I miss yesterday!
How'd I let it fade away?
Where'd you go?

(Oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh)

When July became December,
Their affection fought the cold.
But they couldn't quite remember,
What inspired them to go.
And it was beautifully depressing,
Like a street car named Desire.
They were fighting for their love that had started growing tired.

Oh Memories!
Where'd you go?
You were all I've ever known!
How I miss yesterday!
How'd I let it fade away?
Don't fade away!

When money lost momentum,
And the bills were piling high
Then the smile had finally faded,
From the apple of their eye.
They were young and independent,
And they thought they had it planned.
Should have known right from the start
You can't predict the end.

Oh Memories!
Where'd you go?
You were all I've ever known!
How I miss yesterday!
How'd I let it fade away?
Oh Memories!
Where'd you go?
You were all I've ever known!
How I miss yesterday!
How'd I let it fade away?
Don't fade away!

Life

As you can see I have decided to vamp up my blog a bit! And that's not the only thing im changing. Now January is coming to an end, people's new years resolutions are starting to slip, exams are done, work begins and general life is back to normal I've kind of realised that I need to change some things. I keep talking about how everyone should live there life and live for today but it's never really quite that simple. I was watching 500 days of  summer today (which sprouted from my new love of New Girl, if you have not seen it and you can access 4OD, check it out!) and a line in it said something along the lines of "Most of our days have little impact on our life and will not be remembered." That's quite scary really, and true. Most of what I do today I wont even remember tomorrow. We don't have the brain capacity to remember everything we do, so how can life really be so.... great all the time? Because honestly, it's not. Have you ever seen a movie where they all lived there life to the full all the time? No, because it would be boring. Have you ever seen a stereotypical rock star living the dream and not have to wake up in the morning with a hangover? No, because all good things come at a price. I sometimes have days where I think everything's the worst and I'm failing and nothing is right. But everything is okay, i'm just having a bad day. I think I put so much emphasis on living my life, trying not to miss out on anything and not enough in  letting myself be okay when i'm down, making sure i'm truly happy doing things and not forcing myself to do things in fear of missing out. I need to stay true to me. Don't get me wrong, it is very important to live your life but still... I need the days that don't count so that for the days they do i'm truly happy. 

 I'm happy. I am a happy person. I'm just not happy right at this moment. I'm not me. I'm to scared to be me and live my life how I want to. It's scary how some situations you just can't control. You don't even have that much of an input. It's scary how surrounded by people you can be but still feel so alone. It's scary when you don't know what people are really thinking. It's terrifying how quickly days tic past. How young people grow up so quickly. How life changes. How little we know. How much we know. 

I guess you just have to say life is scary. You can't control situations and you will always say what if.  We all just have to run openly into everything even if it means getting hurt and just live with the life fate has dealt us. Because honestly, I could be divorced with 3 children and have barely enough money to make ends meet and be happier than a married couple with a family and millions in the bank.

It's not what your dealt, it's how you use it.   

And then....

And then I went and spoiled it all by saying something stupid like....

(I'm scared of our future and that one day you'll find someone better than me)

I loveeee you <3

Every goodbye starts with hello.

Hugging tightly; whispers in ears of goodbyes. Truthful tears followed by lost promise's of contact. One last time, a private joke is shared. Encouragement of following dreams is exchanged. One last wave. One last look. And then you watch them fade out of sight. Watch them embark on there new life. Chasing the life there meant to lead.

Goodbye's are hard. It's a reminder that nothing stays the same; everything changes. No-one is going to be here for ever. It's a reminder that ultimately it's your life and your on your own.

Today I had to say goodbye to two people who I only knew for a short period of time, but they made me laugh. They shared interests. They were there in times of need and most of all they inspired me.

Sometimes I think life would be so much easier if we never had feeling. If we never felt pain and distress. If we never had these sad feelings inside of us that we don't understand. If life wasn't sometimes so cruel and heartbreaking for so many reasons. But then, how can you be truly happy with out experiencing the bad moments. How could we appreciate the good?

It's day like today that you feel so lost and you don't understand. You change your decision every day because you're so scared of making the wrong one.

"You live as if you're never going to die; And so die never having lived"

Life is hard. Every day you have a million reasons to cry and give up. But every second brings millions of reasons to keep trying and carry on. Do you really want to look back on your life and say "I'm happy because I have everything I want. I worry about loosing it and wonder what life would have been like if I had done it differently?" Or would you rather say "Everything that went wrong made me appreciate everything that went right. At least I did what I wanted when I wanted and took chances. I'm happy because I want everything I have." Everyone wants to live, yet most of us are just alive....

Goodbyes are hard. But it happens. It's okay not to be okay, but then you gotta pick yourself back up, carry on and wish the best for them.

"There are 86,400 seconds in every day... Tik Tok"

Dedicated to Z & A. - Keep safe and keep on living the dream. I know you will both accomplish great things. Thank you for everything. I miss you already <3

I don't want to miss a thing

I just watched the film Armageddon. It's just such a great a film but no matter how many times I watch it I always end up shedding a small tear. Always. It just gets to me. The love between Aj and Grace. How he wants to spend his last day on earth with her. How he holds her and kisses her just before he leaves and how he runs to her when he finally comes back. They way he looks at her. And the moment when Harry says goodbye to Grace. It reminds me of me and my dad. We're not the closest in the world but we don't have to be. I always remember when I told him I got through a singing competition and he looked so proud of me, but he was then told he had to work. He went in early, had no lunch brake and worked twice as hard and raced straight from work to the competition just to see me. I love my dad so much. I am so much of him and I am proud to be like him. I am proud to be like my mum too. She is so kind hearted and amazing. She always used to stay up late helping me with school projects even though she had to up early and if I had a bad day at school she would know how to cheer me up.

Your caregivers are so important. I hope I can give to my future children everything my parents gave to me. I hope I can have the love that Aj and Grace have for each other. I hope I can learn to cherish everything while I still have it.

Life is just so sad when you really think about it.

" I never said life would be easy, I said it would be worth it."

Time.

So right now i'm looking for answers. About anything and everything. About life and about love. Answers i'm not sure I will ever find. I think i'm in love but I honestly never wanted to be so in love at such a young age, especially not one that is so mature and so intense. But then I think what it would be like in an immature relationship and I think I would hate it or one that wasn't intense, I want to be able to feel. So why am I confused? I guess i'm a girl who can admit I always look at what I don't have instead of what I do have. I'm never going to enjoy life if I keep on living life like that. Ever. I know it too. It makes me want whatever I don't have even though deep down I don't think I would enjoy it anyway. But I always think, what if it was better? I'm just waiting for the day when I realise what I thought I never wanted was what I wanted all along. For the day I can appreciate things for what they are and not concentrate on what's not there So I can be the good person my friends and family deserve. So I can be the person the love of my life deserves. Because he deserves so much more then I have given him so far. Yes he made a mistake that made me upset, but everyone makes mistakes. I know I have.

Everything takes time. The sad thing is that we don't have a lot of it.